Detached From My Mother Again

It may be a long time before things are ok again.
Life seems to be taking lots of twists and turns ..
Shoving truth in our faces.
There is so much talk about reality creation and you get what you think about, but I don't really know ..
Is there any hope for those who are lost in thoughts that circle endlessly?
What if I didn't take the time to meditate or to ponder the meaning of life?
What if I was too busy trying to survive to go through the 14 steps of enlightened thinking or to read the Power of Now?
What if I was just trying to raise a family and worked wherever and did whatever and couldn't see any of that or didn't want to?

Funny .. its funny sometimes.
Other times it is heavy like acid rain in my stomach .. like squeezing tears from dehydrated eyes. I feel myself wanting to cry and there are no tears.

Joy must triumph, but in the mean time, there is pain, there is sorrow, there are billions of Holden Caulfields wondering where is the genuine human experience.

I know that sometimes it is too much to go through misery, loneliness or pain. Everyone will say, "Stay positive and Be Happy". But I am not happy with lies.
The truth is, I am not doing so well - the music that I make feels good in the moment, but the business is hell, and the money non-existent.

I want to be a writer, but I never write.
That is like saying, I want to win the lottery but I never buy a ticket.

I know why that guy is holed up with a Gun in the Hotel on the 580. Swat teams come with more guns, and newscasters call him a deranged lunatic, but inside they are at the same razors edge, wondering if one moment of despair would be enough to push them there. Me, I would never resort to violence, rather, I would run into the wilderness. I would take my family and everything I needed for survival and flee to the hills of Mount Shasta or Marble Mountain or Maui, and separate myself entirely from this madness.

I have been there, up in those mountains when the air blows pure over the dancing treetops and the birds fly gracefully overhead liberating my spirit.
I have been there in the timeless moments of earth change, geological freeze frames of evolution. The only violence I know is the crashing waves on the cliffs of Kipahulu and the thunderous roar of glacier melt rivers. I would happily live out my days in the bosom of Earth, and think not gain of bills and flyers and festivals and shows and maybe that is where I should go. Maybe that is why I feel this pain. I have been detached from my mother again.